Be the One Who Gets Out of the Car

Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with strength. – Robert Tew

When I was a junior in college, two of my classmates were killed in a car crash on the Stanford campus. Kevin, Michael, Garrett and Robert, the driver, were returning from “Senior Pub Night” at the Golden Spike Restaurant in Palo Alto. Drunk and driving at an excessive rate of speed, Robert failed to negotiate a turn and hit an oak tree on Palm Drive head on. Kevin and Michael died before the paramedics arrived. Robert, who suffered an arm fracture and a head injury, eventually went to trial and was convicted of felony drunk driving and two counts of misdemeanor vehicular manslaughter.

At our 20 year reunion, one of my classmates rose to say how much he missed Kevin and Michael and that he wished they were here with us. After a moment of silence, another classmate stood, saying she had been sharing the story of the accident for fifteen years with the troubled, substance-addicted teens she worked with. I expected her to talk about Robert. Instead she said, “But I don’t talk about the driver or the boys who died. I talk about the kid who got out of the car. For fifteen years, I’ve been telling my teens: ‘be the one who gets out of the car’.”

Garrett wasn’t in the car when it crashed. He, too, had been drinking. But Garrett became frightened by Robert’s erratic driving and insisted he pull over. Garrett got out of the car, walked back to the fraternity house and went to bed, waking the next morning to learn that two of his fraternity brothers were dead and the third was in the hospital.

It’s not easy to stand up for ourselves. We worry about being criticized, even mocked, by our friends or co-workers if we take an unpopular position or question what our team or the company is doing. Maybe we’ll lose a friend or ally. Maybe people won’t like or respect us. Maybe we’ll lose our job. As Dumbledore tells the assembled students in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.”

Even when these situations aren’t life and death, we still struggle with them. It’s so much easier to go along, remain part of the group, choose to be liked by the people around you. But if we don’t raise our voice or stand up for what we believe is right, we’ll never know the difference we might have made.

So next time you find yourself just going along, consider speaking up instead. Ask a probing question before your boss makes a questionable hire. Take a contrarian position that the goals in the strategic plan aren’t ambitious enough. Encourage debate before a decision is made. Express your concerns about the racist comment your colleague made at the holiday party. There’s a cost to letting fear or discomfort rule you. Be the one who gets out of the car.

© Margo Fowkes, 2020. All rights reserved.